Brent wrote a post that pretty much describes how I’ve felt my whole life. This part grabbed me:
I hated school even through my couple years in college. And here’s what that kindergartener’s fear turned into: the conviction that most people are likable, but that somehow I’m marked, and people can tell instantly, just by looking, that I’m not likable.
This feeling of being marked, of being obviously unlikable in some fundamental and obvious-to-everyone way, persisted into my early 20s.
The difference for me is that this feeling has continued to persist (I’m 30). There’s a few assumptions I’ve held onto for long enough that I don’t even have to think about them consciously:
- None of my friends like me as much as I like them.
- Others have a strong sense there’s something wrong with me.
- If I ever really needed help, I’d be on my own because no one else deep down really cares what happens to me.
If someone as instantly likable and personable as Brent could have some of those same feelings, then maybe I’m not really all that bad either? I can’t believe I’m actually sharing this with other people.